Today I followed the list again.
I made a small house out of sticks. The List said to do something outside and I decided to bring the outside, inside since it was still raining and I was too depressed to stand outside in the rain and try to think of something to do.
So, I took a small baggy outside and started to collect random twigs. I had random twigs under my bed already but I needed a few more. Why I had twigs under my bed I'll never know. It was probably from the time when I made an acorn tree last year and had to break off a few of the tree branches because the acorns were weighing them down too heavily. Back in the house I found some glue and a piece of cardboard to stand the thing on. I won't detail how I actually built the house. It's too banal and boring for me to even think about. The entire time I was building it, all I could think of was why this stupid step was on the List. Maybe some of the other girls were swimming or doing some sort of exciting outdoors event. I tried to imagine something exciting for myself to do. It was then that the phone sounded and Lilly was on the other end asking me what I was doing. The conversation went about as well and nonsensical as expected.
"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Building a twig house for my fun outside step on the List."
"Don't build a fireplace in it..."
And that was that. We chatted for a little longer about work and Halloween. I'll be going to my sister's house to have our lovely family event. This year I'm not too excited about it. I don't really feel in the mood to go over there with everyone and try to have fun. I would really rather be at home eating my small weight in candy. I don't gain weight with food so it's pretty much a free-for-all when it comes to food and me. I would talk more about this but I fear anger might find me here. Anger from other women.
After the house was finished I put it up on my shelf. I took a picture and sent it to Lilly and she called me back laughing. I don't think anyone else who had the list before has done anything to this low level. Trying to ask Lilly about the girls who had done the List before me was about as useless as tits on a boar hog. She will never tell me. On our death beds, she'll pretend she's already gone just so she won't have to tell me their names. It's not like I'm going to look these girls up and ask them about how they got through things.
But I can understand why she doesn't want me to contact them. The List is meant to be personal for every single person who has to use it. All the girls before me did each step in their own way. Asking them how they did their step would rub off on me, probably. It's nice to see someone actually sticking to their guns and not wavering. Also, nice that Lilly is nice enough to protect these girls' privacy. Although seeing the notes each of us have penned in on the sides of the list makes me feel sort of comforted knowing that all of them were at the same point in things...at least on the List.
Today I feel a little more hopeful. About him. I have been praying a little more about it and trying not to fall apart worse than I already have been. But I miss him today. A lot. I wish I was there right now. I wish I was with him. I wish we were together again and things were back to being happy. Today I say again that I'm going to fight. I'll fight to show him that we are meant to be together and I am worth it all. He says thank you for being patient with all this, and I told him he knows why I'm being patient. We are both so patient and it will pay off.
I have to believe that.